It Doesn't Pay to Lie, Kid. You Will Suffer. So Will Your Mom.

Last week my kid, who shall remain nameless, said he needed a note from me by Wednesday stating that he had not been baptized in the Catholic Church. He needed it for Religion class.

My son is very sly. He told me about this while I was cooking dinner, playing Scrabble with Gigi and helping another with his Math homework. All of which I fail miserably at on a regular basis, thus requiring a high level of concentration on my behalf. And even with the highest level of said concentration we usually eat frozen pizza or Fresh 'N Easy's prepared dinners or head out, Gigi may not quite beat me at age 5 but gives me a run for the money, and Math...well,I usually point out to the kid that Danielle is studying to be a Math teacher and could really use the practice.

I really didn't think about the note again until Wednesday morning. I asked and was told:

(kid looking to the right, eyes focused on the ground, left foot kicking the ground): "Well, there is a project due today. We need to write about our baptism, our godparents, all that weird stuff. But it's okay, I'm not Catholic, I didn't need to do it. Because really, how would I do it? I am not baptized. So, I didn't do it. It's due today. I need a note, like right now, professing my innocence, I mean saying that I couldn't do it. It needs to be signed by you. Look, I typed one up and printed it- here it is- all you need to do is sign. Here, let me get a pen." He looked at me finally, imploringly.




I focused on his left foot, kicking the ground harder by the second, looking at the top of his head, because that was all that was available for me to see, again. I said: "Hold on, let me write the note, it'll be done in a second. 

I wrote:

Dear Ms. D,
Kid was not able to do his project, due to his not being baptized. (You are welcome, kid). However, it is simply not fair that he not do a project, while the whole class has to. Could he still do one on something else? Maybe a research project?
I will look for you this afternoon to discuss.
Thank You and Sincerely,
Iraina Balmer

I stuck it in an envelope, sealed it and sent it along with my very relieved, breathing-out-deeply son.


Fast forward 8 hours.

Kid, fuming. Flushed face, both feet whipping and hitting the ground in milli-second speed.
"What did your note say?? Now I have to do a report on John the Baptist that's due Tuesday after President's Day. Poster and all. The other kids who weren't baptized got a 95% just for bringing in their note. Seriously?? What is going on here?"



He stomps off, upset. DH questions him, then looks at me questioningly. "Dude, he just ignored a project and wrote a note the day of, saying he couldn't do it. Then asked me to sign. That was ridiculous. This is his "punishment". Oh, and Kid, by the way, when your brother had the same project a few months ago, we just made up some stuff. There is even a picture of you "holding his christening gown". It took us like ten minutes."

Both DH and I laugh hysterically, Kid stomps off towards the computer. Pissed.

Fast forward 5 days:

Kid's been working on his project but it looks like shit. I'm not satisfied. I KNOW HOW TO WRITE, can't have my offspring hand in mediocre stuff. Dammit.