I went on a football trip, a week long one with all my kids. I only booked two rooms at the hotel and that's all there was available when we got there. They were not connected. I had a difficult time deciding which kids to ditch and send off with Danielle. That is very difficult to do. How do you choose? I mean I frequently go through different panic scenarios in my mind to prepare myself for a potential survival situation. As a matter of fact, just the other day when we were browsing through Barnes and Noble, and I firmly believe we are some of the last half dozen people who still do that kind of thing, I came across a book in the discounted section that was called something like: "The Survivor's Club". After some more careful perusing I realized that it was a mixed book- some story, some science, some research about how to survive different catastrophic events. Totally up my alley, I had to get it.
For example, I have decided that should I get caught alone with the 4 kids in a tsunami I would grab ahold of the two younger ones and offer the other two my legs. Needless to say, they could have it all. The thoughts about this make me very upset and then I feel like I am a bit better prepared. I shall not go into detail here how for a while I scoured the Internet for pictures of dead/mangled people to build up my stamina. You know, the shock stamina. Just in case someone I am close to ever dies in a car crash. Considering that I drive 20 miles each way into Henderson/Las Vegas every day multiple times I don't think that it is an extremely exaggerated idea.
So, it seemed counter-intuitive to let the younger two go with Danielle but they were REALLY excited that they got to have a sleepover far away from me. Plus, the first night we had all 5 crammed into two double beds and I had considered a lot of desperate moves, the final one which I acted upon by lying down on the dirty floor between beds at 2am and getting a few minutes of severely interrupted sleep.
Other than having learned from my book that I am apparently a "Fighter Survivor"- which really doesn't surprise me, because all you have to do is ask DH and he would wholeheartedly agree that I am really good at fighting- I also learned practically on this trip that I will never let Thorsten eat a bean burrito again while sharing a room with him. I also learned that Sebastian can kick really really hard while sharing a sleeping spot. I also re-learned how sweet Julian is and how incredibly white Gigi's skin is.
As my luck would have it, it was Danielle's birthday while we were there. It coincided with a day in which there were no games. I offered her the choice between Sea World, The Zoo, The Wild Animal Kingdom and Legoland. She suggested kayaking in the ocean. She said it was cheaper anyways and she really wanted to do it and I thought it would fit well with my new adventurous life, so I booked it. We got three double kayaks, pairing the two oldest boys together and one younger one with each of us adults. The surfer/kayaker dude at the shop took us to the beach and told us how to get into the kayak. He insisted we sit down butt first to avoid toppling over or "giving the other beach goers a great video for AFV". My kids and Danielle stared at me, which frankly was extremely insulting. I prayed and made a whole bunch of promises to God and had absolutely no trouble getting in. Or getting over the large waves to get out into the open sea. Jerks.
We saw dolphins and sea lions and bat rays. It was fantastic. I was a little nervous about the sea lions which kept peeking out of the water mere feet from the kayaks, but mostly because it was a chilly morning in SoCal and the water was frigid and I really didn't want to be swimming in it.
Then I saw them. Dozens and dozens of shark. I AM NOT KIDDING OR EXAGGERATING TO PROVE A POINT. We were within eyesight of the beach and there were quite a few schools of shark swimming under the kayaks.
I kept a cool head. I had to be strong for the others: "NOT TO WORRY. I got this. I just finished the survival book. All we need to do is poke them in the eye. Then swim quickly to shore. Actually, I offer myself up. I will jump in and cause a commotion. Danielle, the lives of my four children lie in your hands. Are you ready for this? I have prepared myself for this kind of a situation for 12 years now. Danielle, I hope that in this situation you will also selflessly put your life behind that of the children and do everything in your power to save them. Being your birthday and all - I am very sorry. Should you survive, this will be a great story to tell. Make sure to shop around for whom to tell this story to. "I Shouldn't Be Alive" and "I Survived" are great places to start. Don't forget about my wonderfully marketable idea of: "I Should Be Alive". At home in my nightstand I have some video footage and pictures of me that I have pre-selected to use for the show. Don't forget to tell the kids how much I loved them. Make sure they understand I sacrificed myself for them. I am ready to go now. I have made my peace, you all know how I feel about each and every one of you. Don't forget to call DH and ask him to call 911 for us....Hello, why are you not saying anything??...."
Danielle, my four kids, the rest of our tour and our tour guide sat there, holding their paddles up, just staring at me. Paul, the guide, had his mouth wide open.
Danielle paddled up to me: "What is wrong with you? Remember? We went over this before we started. We are on a tiger shark breeding ground tour?? They are harmless and have no teeth. What is wrong with you? And all this on my BIRTHDAY? Oh Boy."
I don't know what her problem was. If I was her I would be relieved about how much I know about random survival situations. I am very well prepared for any type of disaster. The only one I am still working on is how to keep the hotel room from smelling like a pigsty with all that gross football gear. I will look for a book, next time I'm at the bookstore. Should the store avoid the whole disaster of bankruptcy. Maybe I'll read up on that next.
