Also, damn dress by the way. When trying on no one said jog in this for a minute to see if it rides ALL THE WAY UP. No one wants to see ME with a dress ridden up. Trust me. Do they have sticky tape for this, I wonder. Like the boob sticky tape. I guess I would need a whole roll for me, that would not be economical. Shit, why are we stopping. Who is this guy we now must talk to. SMILE, say something about his cool outfit. Oh, wait that is reserved for women compliments. Silly, non-discriminatory me. Make a compliment on his superior skills. Guys like that. Oh, wait she's leaving? Can I find the department without her? OF COURSE. OF COURSE. GO. PLEASE LEAVE. Hmmmmmmm, what to do with this new found freedom? Did that cocktail waitress leave? Probably. Walk on, baby, walk on. Crap, forgot to pay attention. Where to? Who to ask? That guy over there, running so quickly in his shiny shoes, he must be important. HEY! HEY, MISTER! Some help here! Ha, he stopped and looks befuddled. Is it me or is he looking at me in thinly veiled horror. What the hell is wrong? I pulled my dress back down. My heels are NOT squirting blood, though they sure feel like it. OH, it's one of my students. Hey, let's walk together. Don't say no, come on. We talked about being nice to me. Make small talk. Ummm, how was dinner? It's only 11AM? Yeah, you have a point. Though, technically I could tell you that people in Latin countries eat dinner before 11. It would not be true, but I am the teacher--- I mean coach, what I say counts, right? Ahhhh, here we are. Security guy, I know it's not your job but could you help me set up my power point? What? You've been expecting me? I wreak the same chaos every single Tuesday? Well, then you should be prepared. Thank you, much appreciated. I should bring you a coffee next time, or something. Oh, you can get coffee out of the same carafe I do during class? What are you insinuating? I'm not the only one who drinks that thing empty? I have seen AT LEAST one other student getting coffee during class. If class wasn't so EARLY we would not be having this issue. Smile, idiot, SMILE AT HIM. You totally need him. What? It's eleven AM? So? Don't many people here work a swing shift? I don't ?? How do you know. Walk away woman, walk away. I wonder if I could take my shoes off before class and then hide in a chair behind a table? Would that make class just way too boring? Would it become too monotonous?? What, I have been thinking out loud. Some people in the front are laughing. What's so funny? What? You're asking me if I am a failed actress? What, because I am so enthusiastic? WELL, then I wouldn't be a FAILED one now would I? Huh, I don't need more excitement? The coffee takes care of that? I would like you to know that I was NOT a coffee addict until I started working here. BTW, I have not HAD any coffee yet, I am like this by nature. That's the scary part? I should take a chill pill? YOU take a chill pill. WOW. This imaginary conversation in my head is taking a turn for the bad. Not enjoying this.....How to get these people's attention? Clap my hands? Turn light on or off? Should I just yell at them to listen? To turn their phone's off? Wait, just look at them and get a feel. Oops, they're already sitting there looking at me, pens in hand. What the heck? That's even worse. They actually BELIEVE that I know what I am talking about.... REALLY? Awwww, I guess I like them after all. They probably want a 20 minute break in 30 minutes, but people this eager to learn should not be punished in any way. I'll give them 30 just to be nice. Aww, let's start. Today's lessons should totally be about how to make the perfect margarita.....Maybe we could take a field trip to the Mexican cantina during break? This class is shaping up nicely, I just simply LOVE these students.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
12 Minutes in the Head of an Accidental Business Woman
Crap. Crap, Crap, Crap! I don't understand what types of shoes I am supposed to wear. Do ALL shoes make my feet a bloody mess? Is there some sort of written rule why I should not be wearing flip flops? I could call them something else. Like, look at the sparkly thongs I am wearing. Wait, thongs, isnt' that a whole different thing? Yeah, serves me right. Mrs Balmer, you will now be checked in the underwear department. Oh, shit. What if that did happen? Or, what if I have an accident and they cut my clothes off, just like my mom always said and they will be like:Woman, aren't you too old/young to wear training bras/granny panties. AM I wearing those? I don't know, I got dressed in the dark and maybe I accidentally wandered into the pregnancy clothes department in my closet. Wait, who am I kidding. Maternity? Pregnancy? LOLOLOLOLOL. Just keep walking. Shit, my heel keeps falling out of my right shoe. Maybe people walking by think you have a broken foot and that's why you are limping/hopping. But, why would I be wearing stilettos. Wait- am I REALLY wearing stilettos? What are these things. I must examine them closer when we get to the elevator. Did they come out of MY closet? I must have ordered them online. GOSH, I wish this woman had a slow-down button. I can't keep up with her, even if I were wearing those fancy running shoes I bought when I was working for Google. In Boston people always commute with sneakers and then put on fancy shoes at work. Why can't casinos implement that rule? Ugh, over there, cocktail waitresses handing out drinks to the people sitting at the machines. UMMM, OVER HERE, I am yelling at you lady, telepathically but I would tip you a thousand dollars if you could get the contents of that glass into my mouth in the next 3 seconds it takes to run walk by you.
Also, damn dress by the way. When trying on no one said jog in this for a minute to see if it rides ALL THE WAY UP. No one wants to see ME with a dress ridden up. Trust me. Do they have sticky tape for this, I wonder. Like the boob sticky tape. I guess I would need a whole roll for me, that would not be economical. Shit, why are we stopping. Who is this guy we now must talk to. SMILE, say something about his cool outfit. Oh, wait that is reserved for women compliments. Silly, non-discriminatory me. Make a compliment on his superior skills. Guys like that. Oh, wait she's leaving? Can I find the department without her? OF COURSE. OF COURSE. GO. PLEASE LEAVE. Hmmmmmmm, what to do with this new found freedom? Did that cocktail waitress leave? Probably. Walk on, baby, walk on. Crap, forgot to pay attention. Where to? Who to ask? That guy over there, running so quickly in his shiny shoes, he must be important. HEY! HEY, MISTER! Some help here! Ha, he stopped and looks befuddled. Is it me or is he looking at me in thinly veiled horror. What the hell is wrong? I pulled my dress back down. My heels are NOT squirting blood, though they sure feel like it. OH, it's one of my students. Hey, let's walk together. Don't say no, come on. We talked about being nice to me. Make small talk. Ummm, how was dinner? It's only 11AM? Yeah, you have a point. Though, technically I could tell you that people in Latin countries eat dinner before 11. It would not be true, but I am the teacher--- I mean coach, what I say counts, right? Ahhhh, here we are. Security guy, I know it's not your job but could you help me set up my power point? What? You've been expecting me? I wreak the same chaos every single Tuesday? Well, then you should be prepared. Thank you, much appreciated. I should bring you a coffee next time, or something. Oh, you can get coffee out of the same carafe I do during class? What are you insinuating? I'm not the only one who drinks that thing empty? I have seen AT LEAST one other student getting coffee during class. If class wasn't so EARLY we would not be having this issue. Smile, idiot, SMILE AT HIM. You totally need him. What? It's eleven AM? So? Don't many people here work a swing shift? I don't ?? How do you know. Walk away woman, walk away. I wonder if I could take my shoes off before class and then hide in a chair behind a table? Would that make class just way too boring? Would it become too monotonous?? What, I have been thinking out loud. Some people in the front are laughing. What's so funny? What? You're asking me if I am a failed actress? What, because I am so enthusiastic? WELL, then I wouldn't be a FAILED one now would I? Huh, I don't need more excitement? The coffee takes care of that? I would like you to know that I was NOT a coffee addict until I started working here. BTW, I have not HAD any coffee yet, I am like this by nature. That's the scary part? I should take a chill pill? YOU take a chill pill. WOW. This imaginary conversation in my head is taking a turn for the bad. Not enjoying this.....How to get these people's attention? Clap my hands? Turn light on or off? Should I just yell at them to listen? To turn their phone's off? Wait, just look at them and get a feel. Oops, they're already sitting there looking at me, pens in hand. What the heck? That's even worse. They actually BELIEVE that I know what I am talking about.... REALLY? Awwww, I guess I like them after all. They probably want a 20 minute break in 30 minutes, but people this eager to learn should not be punished in any way. I'll give them 30 just to be nice. Aww, let's start. Today's lessons should totally be about how to make the perfect margarita.....Maybe we could take a field trip to the Mexican cantina during break? This class is shaping up nicely, I just simply LOVE these students.
Also, damn dress by the way. When trying on no one said jog in this for a minute to see if it rides ALL THE WAY UP. No one wants to see ME with a dress ridden up. Trust me. Do they have sticky tape for this, I wonder. Like the boob sticky tape. I guess I would need a whole roll for me, that would not be economical. Shit, why are we stopping. Who is this guy we now must talk to. SMILE, say something about his cool outfit. Oh, wait that is reserved for women compliments. Silly, non-discriminatory me. Make a compliment on his superior skills. Guys like that. Oh, wait she's leaving? Can I find the department without her? OF COURSE. OF COURSE. GO. PLEASE LEAVE. Hmmmmmmm, what to do with this new found freedom? Did that cocktail waitress leave? Probably. Walk on, baby, walk on. Crap, forgot to pay attention. Where to? Who to ask? That guy over there, running so quickly in his shiny shoes, he must be important. HEY! HEY, MISTER! Some help here! Ha, he stopped and looks befuddled. Is it me or is he looking at me in thinly veiled horror. What the hell is wrong? I pulled my dress back down. My heels are NOT squirting blood, though they sure feel like it. OH, it's one of my students. Hey, let's walk together. Don't say no, come on. We talked about being nice to me. Make small talk. Ummm, how was dinner? It's only 11AM? Yeah, you have a point. Though, technically I could tell you that people in Latin countries eat dinner before 11. It would not be true, but I am the teacher--- I mean coach, what I say counts, right? Ahhhh, here we are. Security guy, I know it's not your job but could you help me set up my power point? What? You've been expecting me? I wreak the same chaos every single Tuesday? Well, then you should be prepared. Thank you, much appreciated. I should bring you a coffee next time, or something. Oh, you can get coffee out of the same carafe I do during class? What are you insinuating? I'm not the only one who drinks that thing empty? I have seen AT LEAST one other student getting coffee during class. If class wasn't so EARLY we would not be having this issue. Smile, idiot, SMILE AT HIM. You totally need him. What? It's eleven AM? So? Don't many people here work a swing shift? I don't ?? How do you know. Walk away woman, walk away. I wonder if I could take my shoes off before class and then hide in a chair behind a table? Would that make class just way too boring? Would it become too monotonous?? What, I have been thinking out loud. Some people in the front are laughing. What's so funny? What? You're asking me if I am a failed actress? What, because I am so enthusiastic? WELL, then I wouldn't be a FAILED one now would I? Huh, I don't need more excitement? The coffee takes care of that? I would like you to know that I was NOT a coffee addict until I started working here. BTW, I have not HAD any coffee yet, I am like this by nature. That's the scary part? I should take a chill pill? YOU take a chill pill. WOW. This imaginary conversation in my head is taking a turn for the bad. Not enjoying this.....How to get these people's attention? Clap my hands? Turn light on or off? Should I just yell at them to listen? To turn their phone's off? Wait, just look at them and get a feel. Oops, they're already sitting there looking at me, pens in hand. What the heck? That's even worse. They actually BELIEVE that I know what I am talking about.... REALLY? Awwww, I guess I like them after all. They probably want a 20 minute break in 30 minutes, but people this eager to learn should not be punished in any way. I'll give them 30 just to be nice. Aww, let's start. Today's lessons should totally be about how to make the perfect margarita.....Maybe we could take a field trip to the Mexican cantina during break? This class is shaping up nicely, I just simply LOVE these students.
