I often post about my day on FB because a lot of stupid things happen to me and it seems to amuse people when they read about it. I kind of see myself as a public service to y'all where I go ahead and invite you in to my ridiculousness and I imagine you reading it, shaking your head and saying, "Thank GOD I am not her."
So, without thinking much the other day I posted about something that I had done and the backlash took me completely by surprise. Apparently I had GONE TOO FAR.
So, I retreated into my shell for a while and pondered this, this going too far thing. What happened was real and somewhat embarrassing and after the fact I laughed a little about myself because it was OH SO TYPICAL and then I posted about it on FB. And people where like, "What the hell, Iraina, that's bullshit" or worse, "You're making that up. Who would be so stupid?" and I sat in my bathroom eating a gallon of Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream, whining to myself, "It is I, I who would be that stupid."
But then, the next step was to get mad. And I was all like, "Hey, you People. You think you are so much better than me??? Try living MY life!!" And then I imagined people awkwardly turning away, mumbling that they didn't want to try that because it sounded UNAPPEALING. And I was back to square one. I can deal with being unappealing, because truthfully I don't care. The thing that bothered me so was that people thought this was so outrageous I surely must be making it up..... So, let me explain myself:
I had an appointment with Dr. B. Now, if you are new to this blog you may not know this, but he is my imaginary (IMAGINARY) boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, he actually exists, but he DOES NOT know the character he plays in my Imaginary World (I would say Fantasy, but frankly that is too much. He is part of my PRETEND life, my "THIS IS WHO I WOULD INCLUDE IN MY BOOK LIFE".)
So, my appt was at 11 and I was planning to go swimming right after. Which is very illogical and superbly annoying, because I have to look like a 42yearold-plussizemodel-motherof4-worksathomeandthushasahardtimefindingprettyclothes-woman and then jump in a pool right after and swim laps. I dug around my closet for the dress I wore at all weddings since 2008 and everyone said I looked stunning and I don't care if I first tricked them into drinking Long Island Iced Teas ("drink this sweet tea, dear friend.. you must be so thirsty") and then convinced them to dance on the 4 x 4 dance floor with me to the Maccarena because I did that at my wedding and I will be damned if I have not made it my mission to make sure everyone goes to a wedding and dances that thing at least once) and then, as I spin them around for the 18th time ("Just 2 more times, you ARE setting a world record") and they are about to vomit and I turn them to face the other way, as I quickly throw in, "Don't you think I am wearing the best dress EVER, as in the history of human kind?", and then with a last glimpse of recognition in their eyes they are made aware of the fact that I mean business when they see my exaggeratedly raised right eyebrow and the vomit bucket which I am holding away from them and they always, without a moment's hesitation say "Absolutely. You are the best looking MODEL type person I have EVER seen", and then I am satisfied and record that in my book. I have 34 people who have testified to the awesomeness of that dress.
So, I pull it out and dash some water on it to get the worst wrinkles out and think, "PERFECT. I will wear my bathing suit under this and it will tuck in the various muffins growing on different parts of my body and I will look SVELTE". So, I put it on, threw my dress on over it and looked in the mirror. I had NO boobs. I mean literally, my lovely competition suit squeezed and tucked everything away, including the little bit of boobage that I DO have. So I contemplated and BING!- light bulb: I still had that super awesome "push up bra" that really is like a fake boob bandage type thing from that one time and if I play around with it and pull and push I could totally have my boobs back. But, it had to be OVER the suit to make me look "voluptuous". No problem, I put it on and I looked hot and stylin'. I briefly contemplated going on a job interview but I could think of nowhere to go, so I put on my strappy heels, threw flip flops in my purse and off I went.
After showing Dr B that my knee surgery was healing well- which I do about every 3 months- I was done. He asked if he could do anything else for me and as I started giggling and falling all over the place I remembered, shook my head no, told him to have a good day and left.
I looked at my watch. The BC pool is only open from 12-1:30 for laps during the daytime, so I jumped into the car and raced back home. I had a good routine going with the swimming and I wanted to keep it. I went into the locker room, took off my dress, my heels, put on my cap and goggles and stepped outside.
I looked around. Almost all lanes were taken, but there was one between the old guy with the long beard (think Santa) and some new guy who seemed to know what he was doing and was whipping out laps. I dropped my bag, waved at the guard and back at all the other kindly people waving at me and I felt so welcomed. I had been here long enough for everyone to KNOW me, WHO I am and to GREET me, individually, even stopping mid-swim. I decided I really LOVE Boulder City and the small town where I can go swimming and everyone stops what they are doing JUST TO GREET me. I felt warm and fuzzy.
I turned to the wall where the boogie boards are kept and as I bent down the color of my suit caught my eye. It is blue, but I saw this distinctly silver flash when I had bent down to get the board. I looked again. And then I looked some more and kind of just looked at myself for a while. And I am sure I looked calm as a clam but I WAS NOT. "WHAT THE HELL, IRAINA. THAT'S YOUR BRA. YOUR LOUD FANCY GLITTERY BRA SHINING IN YOUR FACE AND BLINDING YOU. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO DO???"
Well, I was by the exit door but this exit was to the men's locker room. I quickly decided that would make things even worse. DON'T go that way. I could run to the door to the women's locker room, but that would mean admitting defeat. So, instead I calmly took my bra off, wrapped it in my towel, jumped into the pool and swam, like it was no big deal. I just made sure I was the last one in the pool. It was 1:40 when I finally got out, everyone had left and the guard kindly did not say anything.
So, I posted about this a little later on FB and everyone went, "What the hell? Who puts on a bra over their bathing suit?" and I whined to Danielle about it and she said,"They just don't know you the way I do." Which comforted me then, but makes me wonder now.
