A couple of days ago someone asked me what makes me tick. And I kind of felt like I had to immediately get defensive and was all like: "Well, truthfully I feel like my heart does more of a "Boom-Boom- BoomBoomBoom" sound. The ticking is more like a clock and I feel like that is misleading. It doesn't go: Tick tock, tick tock.... And, I do realize that the way I said those booms makes my heart sound irregular which it in fact is not but I can't help but visualize it as a little crooked and a little off-color and so it goes.. It's irregular when I imagine it though not backed up scientifically..."
And I kind of helplessly looked up at the man and he said: "Exactly. Truthfully I AM really curious." Or something similar to that. And then I got all flustered because while I had talked I had convinced myself that he had just asked me to be polite but the way he said: "Exactly" made me feel like he really was wondering. So, I started wringing my hands and almost ripped off my one finger when my nail got stuck under my ring and I hollered a little which I cleverly disguised as a chant that I explained to him I had come up with to describe myself. At this point I felt oh, a good 10 years old.
"Well, people think I am funny. But I am NOT. I just write funny. Usually when they first meet me they say something like: "You are hilarious. Say something funny about me."
And I say: "No, really I am not.
They: "Don't be so modest. Just do it."
And then I say: "You look like a camel."
And they say, offended-ly: "That's not funny."
Me:"It's funny to me."
And then I go on saying: "I am sorry, but it is true."
And then they walk off severely offended and I yell after them: "But camels are super cool! They store water in their humps for weeks! Do you do that in yours??"
He kind of looked at me again and I could tell he was trying to figure out how old I was. I told him I was close to 40. He said: "Years?" And I was all flattered at first and told him that everybody bitches around about how we in the 80's rubbed cooking oil all over ourselves and sat out in the sun and I obviously look nothing like 40 to him and he stared at me again. And I came to realize that he was just so befuddled and because a 40-year- old should probably act a little more mature. And then I felt compelled to throw in what I always do: "I dye my hair to match my personality," and he smiled and I was glad he didn't threaten to call the PC-police, because honestly I was starting to wonder if he was working undercover for them. I decided I had to draw the big guns: "You know, I DO have a Master's degree...." and he continued staring at me wordlessly so I continued explaining:" Well, it's not random or anything. I mean I did ALSO do the Master Gardener program but that's not an actual DEGREE that's just what they call you because you master gardening and truthfully again I do not feel as though I have mastered much in gardening, desert landscaping being my friend and all. My degree is in something quite bonefide and you would not know what it means anyways so I won't bore you trying to explain this to you. "
And he didn't answer- yet again- which encouraged me further: "You know, I am actually not available. I APPRECIATE the interest, th-" I glanced over at his name patch, which coincidentally was ironed on his work shirt and I had been looking at stuff like that at the store, while considering whether or not it would be a good idea to have my kindergarteners use a hot iron in art class- and then I kind of did one of those mental brakes and I stared at him.
"Why are you here, wearing a shirt with your name embellished on it?"
He: "Ma'am, like I've been trying to tell you for the last 15 minutes, I am here with the City Waterworks. There is something wrong with the way your water reader is working. It ticks in irregular intervals. We need to turn off your water for a few minutes to check. PLEASE, may I proceed with my work?"
And you think I would have held up a white flag in a peace offering at this point, tucking in my tail and wandering off: "Sir, ignore what I just said. It is early in the day and all, but can I offer you a drink? Something stronger? A beer or something? PLEASE... WHY ARE YOU LEAVING???......... COME BACK HERE!"
My water was off for about 5 minutes, then I heard some tires screeching outside. What a weird start to my day, at 7:30AM last Wednesday.
