Inspirational Messages

     I've been noticing again lately how people are always completely drawn to me, always wanting to listen to what I have to say. And they seem to love anything I say, because without fail, every single time I speak they laugh. You know, happily by the wonderfully inspiring things I have to say. So, I thought I'd mention a few that I have said as of late. May you, Dear Reader, be as inspired by my creative deep thoughts as the rest of the world was by Gandhi. I mean, I'm not comparing myself to him, but you know, I have some good stuff to say.

1. "The Spelling Bee is great exposure for kids who want to grow up to be professional spellers"
     Brilliant, if I dare say so myself. Watching the national spelling bee and my kids are cringing. You know, they were totally able to keep up when the words were "dog" , but then when the words became ridiculous, you know, like "diverse" and "complete", I was looking for some way for them not to feel inadequate. And that amazing quote just popped into my head. Because, really- why would you ever need to know how to spell once you grow up. Duh. That's not even a job.

2. "You'll be truant and they will learn from it"
     So, the man-boy was sick three times this year during school days. And, I let him stay home. The school was all over my voice mail, like constantly, telling me about it. And I was all like, WTH,  I should be telling YOU about it. If I thought it was your business. But, I don't think it is. This is no 1984. I recognize the script to a George Orwell book when I see one. So- heck no. They were like, then he's truant and I'm all like, no, he's not. And he's all like mom, please just sign this. And I'm all like no, it's a matter of principle. And then they're like, it's going on his record and I'm all like, he's not going to be in MS anymore next year Suckers. and then they were like, well he's up for a sweet award and then I was like, FINE, I'll excuse him, and then I waved the white flag and went to the office and she smiled at me a little smugly and said she couldn't take it off his records anymore, it was just too late, And then she proceeded to tell me that it didn't matter for the awards or anything for that matter and smiled at me and I knew I had just been duped and she won that flipping 7-month battle just like that.

3. "You can be anything you want to be, just not a worker at McDonald's"
     Do you ever feel frustrated about your kids just not working at their fullest potential? I've invited them to become Fast Food workers. But, not at McDonald's, because I put my foot down. That place is just way way unhealthy. I've suggested Jack in the Box, they make their burgers fresh, like when the people order them, and I figured being around aromatic real food smells would be inspiring to my oldest kid who as a junior in HS weighs 115 pounds. He said he preferred the taste of Taco Bell, and I had to remind him of the study that I showed him that said that they only cooked horse meat. And he reminded me of how I always talk about how when we lived in Chile people would eat horse meat, and I don't really know where he's going with that. I told him he could be a manager at Jack in the Box, and he should accept that and be happy. He smiled and walked away. See, people always see that I am right eventually....

4. "Maybe I didn't walk barefoot through the snow, but barefoot on the burning cement is no sugar licking either"
     That was super smart, they totally forgot that I lived in snowy Canada as a kid, and snow and cold would really have no meaning to them, as they have barely ever experienced it. So, I re-wrote my history and have been telling them about how I used to walk barefoot through the whole hot hot city, just so I could buy my mom chewing gum. Granted, she didn't chew gum, but how would they know. They suggested I use the car, and I was all like, dudes, this is history I am talking about. Like, not me. You could totally substitute other stuff in there, like brussel sprouts, or a book, or fire wood, or milk, or Dentyne gum. Jeez, whatever. I will drive the 200 feet myself, Jerks.

5. "A cat is only a cat if you let it be a cat"
     Let that one sink in. How deeply profound is this? A cat can be moody and selfish and what do we do? Feel inferior because of it? Get mad and totally pissed off because when we walk into the room and YELL "ALICIA" she won't even look your way? Holler and clap our hands and throw full plastic bags across the room trying to make as much noise as possible and she won't even turn her head? Who are we letting win here? The cat? WTH?  Don't give her this type of power over you. Show her who's boss. Buy a fake stuffed cat that looks totally life-like and coo and aww at that fake one in the other room. Shower that one, we shall name him PJ, with love, attention, food, caring. See who feels dumb now.....

So, this is my first list of FIVE inspirational quotes I have for you. Take them for what they are- incredibly insightful advice- and live a better life. YOU are worth it. Have a FANTASTIC day.

Don't Judge Me by My Sweats

People always say things come in three's, so I sort of pay attention to that. NOT when some quasi-celebrity dies, and another one, too and people start freaking out on FB about who will be next. I hate to ruin your momentary hyped-up empathy, but lots of people die all the time. Three die over and over and over again. Just sayin'.

So, these three things happened to me the past few weeks:

I was going to my doctor's appointment and I had absolutely no reason to dress up that day. I literally had a coach's meeting and a soccer game later and that was it. So, I put on some pretty sweats and a nice and bright pink shirt and went. I was going to wear sneakers to make it legit-looking but my $2.99 flip flops from Old Navy were more color coordinated and comfortable.
As I was walking up the stairs- TOTALLY did that- the walking- on purpose, just in case someone saw me and I could be all like I came here to EXERCISE, to run the stairs, like mall walking, except I just took a break while heading up these last few stairs to the second floor. Actually, I was sort of HOPING to run into some old folks I could nod non-chalantly at and keep running speed walking.
I heard someone behind me, and heard all of a sudden a lady's voice say:
"I like your workout clothes."
And I turned around all like "yeah, just got done running these last 10 stairs"when I saw myself face to face with a pretty, skinny, tennis-clothes-clad housewife type lady who said:
"It's funny, but I have a lesson right after this and who wants to change this early in the day, right?" And I was all like: "Yeah, I'm on my way to a coach's meeting like in ten minutes, and maybe I'll be teaching the others some drills. Got to be prepared...."
She smiled: "Well, you might want to change your shoes... Have a great day!"
And she sprinted by me. So I went to the doctor and told him that I had indeed showered in case he was wondering and was just wearing those clothes for future very important and active activity.

Then, about a week later I was meeting my boss for a breakfast meeting, after which we were both going separate ways. I have no idea where SHE was going but I was going home. Why bother? What an awful idea digging through my closet for trousers and something else wrinkle free and shoes? I put on a nice shirt, granted it was a Nike one but it had a cowl neck and could possibly be construed as "nice". On the bottom it didn't matter since I was planning on being there EARLY enough to order and sit down and never get up again. Which I basically did. And, as we were in the midst of an excited discussion someone behind me said:
"Iraina? Is that you?? OMG, I haven't seen you in YEARS!!" And it was an old friend and I just stared at her for a minute pondering my next move and as I neared a breakdown about getting up and she started bending down for a hug, I contemplated reminding her that I was German and do not believe in touching people, but alas I just HAD to get up. I did, gave her a hug, and listened to her excited chit chat.
She said: "I just had Bar--".
And I was all like: "You just came from a BAR? At 9:30 in the morning? I am SOOOO impressed!!" And she said: "No, Silly, BARRE exercise class and I like to get breakfast here afterwards. What about you? What did you have?" She gave me a once over.
"Umm, I had nothing. I am meeting with my boss right now."
She looked at me in bewilderment: "Right now???"
"Umm, yup. That lady sitting right there- my boss."  They awkwardly said hello and she left. I started an animated conversation with my boss lady regarding that one time that she had told me she had an exercise class and she had texted me beforehand that she was dressing very casual. I told her she must have missed my text, and indeed I was heading to Jazzercise next.
She squinted: "People don't do that anymore."
"Oh, yeah, I meant Zumba....."
I feel like I saved that one pretty well.

And finally I went to pick up my kid after football practice and I had come back just then from a graduation and I have recently started, since that Barre encounter, making attempts at wearing better clothes and the team mom said:
"WOW, you look nice. I mean, you always look nice but I have only ever seen you in workout clothes."
And I considered feeling offended but then I realized she said WORKOUT clothes so I had been doing a good job dressing comfortably AND fooling people. And then her kid went ON AND ON as to how I and So-and-So's mom were like SUPER athletic, he saw her all the time running in the mornings and though he had never actually SEEN me run or anything I almost ALWAYS was just coming back from or going TO exercise. I stared at him contemplating and realized that in Middle School I apparently can still fool people. And I smiled and told him that I sometimes see So-and-So's mom in the mornings too, which was a flat out lie.

I've been pondering this for a while now. I took my grandmother- in -law to the doctor and she complained the whole time, while pointing out people to me that everyone dressed so CASUAL in this town. And I was telling my kids about this and said: "And she was pointing to all the obviously ILL people  that were standing there in sweatpants and stuff and it really annoyed me because when people are actually sick they don't CARE about what they wear and she obviously always goes to the doctor for fun, since she was dressed nicely.
My kids just kind of looked at me as I told the story, then,
Seb: "Are YOU feeling ill today?"
Me: "NO."
Seb: "I'm just going to take a quick picture of you, OK?"

Me: "WTH. I have no idea what you are doing that for."
Seb: "Did you change since coming home from work?"
Me; "No, but that's besides the point."
Seb: Here Mom, this is a picture of YOUR clothes today. Pretty sure you wore that when
you came back from class......"
Me: "That's a non-functioning hoody."
Seb: "Aha."
Me: "Plus, its actually your dad's."
Seb: "Not making things any better..."
Me: "I had no time to do my hair today."
Seb: "Of course."
Me: "I feel like those sweats kind of look like slacks."
Seb: "No."
Me: "I want to be done now."

                        So, I feel like I need to prove that I don't ALWAYS wear sweats:

Once I tried being a miner

We match nicely, you have to give us that.....

Sometimes I try to be a cowgirl

Wearing my sweats when I got stuck in the dentist's chair
 made that whole experience a lot more comfortable....

                                  

I don't fit into other types of clothing....

Though I AM wearing a hoody, those are nice slack-like jeans

And the ultimate fake: That's me indeed, wearing PAJAMAS

                         Moral of the Story: Don't judge a book by its cover, blah blah blah.

12 Minutes in the Head of an Accidental Business Woman

Crap. Crap, Crap, Crap! I don't understand what types of shoes I am supposed to wear. Do ALL shoes make my feet a bloody mess? Is there some sort of written rule why I should not be wearing flip flops? I could call them something else. Like, look at the sparkly thongs I am wearing. Wait, thongs, isnt' that a whole different thing? Yeah, serves me right. Mrs Balmer, you will now be checked in the underwear department. Oh, shit. What if that did happen? Or, what if I have an accident and they cut my clothes off, just like my mom always said and they will be like:Woman, aren't you too old/young to wear training bras/granny panties. AM I wearing those? I don't know, I got dressed in the dark and maybe I accidentally wandered into the pregnancy clothes department in my closet. Wait, who am I kidding. Maternity? Pregnancy? LOLOLOLOLOL. Just keep walking. Shit, my heel keeps falling out of my right shoe. Maybe people walking by think you have a broken foot and that's why you are limping/hopping. But, why would I be wearing stilettos. Wait- am I REALLY wearing stilettos? What are these things. I must examine them closer when we get to the elevator. Did they come out of MY closet? I must have ordered them online. GOSH, I wish this woman had a slow-down button. I can't keep up with her, even if I were wearing those fancy running shoes I bought when I was working for Google. In Boston people always commute with sneakers and then put on fancy shoes at work. Why can't casinos implement that rule? Ugh, over there, cocktail waitresses handing out drinks to the people sitting at the machines. UMMM, OVER HERE, I am yelling at you lady, telepathically but I would tip you a thousand dollars if you could get the contents of that glass into my mouth in the next 3 seconds it takes to run walk by you.
Also, damn dress by the way. When trying on no one said jog in this for a minute to see if it rides ALL THE WAY UP. No one wants to see ME with a dress ridden up. Trust me. Do they have sticky tape for this, I wonder. Like the boob sticky tape. I guess I would need a whole roll for me, that would not be economical. Shit, why are we stopping. Who is this guy we now must talk to. SMILE, say something about his cool outfit. Oh, wait that is reserved for women compliments. Silly, non-discriminatory me. Make a compliment on his superior skills. Guys like that. Oh, wait she's leaving? Can I find the department without her? OF COURSE. OF COURSE. GO. PLEASE LEAVE. Hmmmmmmm, what to do with this new found freedom? Did that cocktail waitress leave? Probably.  Walk on, baby, walk on. Crap, forgot to pay attention. Where to? Who to ask? That guy over there, running so quickly in his shiny shoes, he must be important. HEY! HEY, MISTER! Some help here! Ha, he stopped and looks befuddled. Is it me or is he looking at me in thinly veiled horror. What the hell is wrong? I pulled my dress back down. My heels are NOT squirting blood, though they sure feel like it. OH, it's one of my students. Hey, let's walk together. Don't say no, come on. We talked about being nice to me. Make small talk. Ummm, how was dinner? It's only 11AM? Yeah, you have a point. Though, technically I could tell you that people in Latin countries eat dinner before 11. It would not be true, but I am the teacher--- I mean coach, what I say counts, right? Ahhhh, here we are. Security guy, I know it's not your job but could you help me set up my power point? What? You've been expecting me? I wreak the same chaos every single Tuesday? Well, then you should be prepared. Thank you, much appreciated. I should bring you a coffee next time, or something. Oh, you can get coffee out of the same carafe I do during class? What are you insinuating? I'm not the only one who drinks that thing empty? I have seen AT LEAST one other student getting coffee during class. If class wasn't so EARLY we would not be having this issue. Smile, idiot, SMILE AT HIM. You totally need him. What? It's eleven AM? So? Don't many people here work a swing shift? I don't ?? How do you know. Walk away woman, walk away. I wonder if I could take my shoes off before class and then hide in a chair behind a table? Would that make class just way too boring? Would it become too monotonous?? What, I have been thinking out loud. Some people in the front are laughing. What's so funny? What? You're asking me if I am a failed actress? What, because I am so enthusiastic? WELL, then I wouldn't be a FAILED one now would I? Huh, I don't need more excitement? The coffee takes care of that? I would like you to know that I was NOT a coffee addict until I started working here. BTW, I have not HAD any coffee yet, I am like this by nature. That's the scary part? I should take a chill pill? YOU take a chill pill. WOW. This imaginary conversation in my head is taking a turn for the bad. Not enjoying this.....How to get these people's attention? Clap my hands? Turn light on or off? Should I just yell at them to listen? To turn their phone's off? Wait, just look at them and get a feel. Oops, they're already sitting there looking at me, pens in hand. What the heck? That's even worse. They actually BELIEVE that I know what I am talking about.... REALLY? Awwww, I guess I like them after all. They probably want a 20 minute break in 30 minutes, but people this eager to learn should not be punished in any way. I'll give them 30 just to be nice. Aww, let's start. Today's lessons should totally be about how to make the perfect margarita.....Maybe we could take a field trip to the Mexican cantina during break? This class is shaping up nicely, I just simply LOVE these students.    

Parenting Other People's Kids- Super Mom to the Rescue

I've felt very encouraged about everyone's interest in my last parenting post. It shot up the ranks of most popular stories within hours. I knew people, not just our kids, were craving guidance. I feel compelled to share some more insight into parenting that may aid you along.

I am proud to announce that I have taken it a step further and have taken it upon myself to parent OTHER kids. Like the kind that show up at my house or otherwise in my life and who OBVIOUSLY want and crave my insight.

See, kids really want discipline and they really want to be told what to do, because honestly you will not just know what's right by simply being alive. Don't you remember when you were a kid or teen? Didn't you wish there was just one adult out there that would understand you and guide you appropriately?

Well, that's ME to the new generation. Lets' take, say "Fred" (all names may or may not have been changed to keep some semblance of privacy, but keep in mind that Boulder City is the town with the weirdest names bestowed upon children. Not the weird Montana or Makyla's from the big city, but more the Joe Jr. and Ronnie type names). This "Fred" is the one on Sebastian's basketball team, the one who lives in the apartments on Georgia. Now, I am sure that there is more than one 15-year-old Fred in the 20 units on Georgia, so I am really giving nothing away.

I gave him rides home after basketball practice a lot, and he always, without fail, would put on one of those wide-brimmed homey hats right after practice, in an apparent effort not to be publicly seen without one. I asked him about it.
"Bob, err Fred, what is the appeal of one of those hats? You look like you are wearing a baseball hat made for a giant? Why not wear a baseball hat if you so desperately need a hat? Are you balding under there already? I mean, it's not unheard of and being Boulder City and all I figured it could be quite likely..---"
"MOM. YOU ARE EMBARRASSING HIM AND ME AND YOURSELF."

Ahh, now I was gifted one of those situations where I could ALSO teach/guide my own son.
"SweetCheeks, Honey..... I cannot embarrass you, you do that to yourself."
"What does that even mean? You make no sense."
"It's profound, son. Let it sink in and ponder it for a while. It will come to you."
Excusing glance over to Fred, "Forgive him, he doesn't always pick up on Philosophy the way we do...." I smile.

Fred nervously glances at Seb.
Seb says, "Just drive, Mother. Just focus on the road."
Fred says, "You can let me out here, really. I can walk the rest of the way, we're almost home."
Iraina says, "Fred, we have not left the school parking lot yet."
"That's OK, I really need the exercise."
"What a good kid you are. Yes, walking is a form of exercise. It's not the best, but everyone starts somewhere." He convinces me and I let him out.

I look to my left and there I see another one of Seb's teammates, we shall call him Bill.
He waves at Seb, who hesitantly opens the window,
"Hey, could you ask your mom if I could get a ride over to the bike rack?"
I lean over Seb, " Bill, the bike rack is ON school property??"
"Yes, Ma'am, But they locked the gate here, so I have to walk around the whole school to get there..."

I sigh, roll my eyes, "Fine. Get in....Bill, I am Iraina, Seb's mom. Now, the fact that you feel you need a ride to your bike rack makes me feel like you maybe do not lead a healthy lifestyle. Do you even eat your fruits and vegetables? Do you know how much protein and vitamins and other fancy things you need? You probably eat McDonald's chicken nuggets. Did you know that's not even real food? It's chemicals. It's going to kill you. It's going to literally paralyze you. You will not have the energy to study. You will end up WORKING there because you have no other choice, without any education. See, it's a vicious cycle. THAT'S what they are really trying to do."
"Bill,...." I turn to look him in the eyes. "Seb, where is he?"
"Mom, he never got into the car. I think the 3 hour conditioning practice today just tired all of us out a bit."

"Oh well, let's just you and I drive, let's listen to some nice music..... Ahh, see here, "Let it Go"! Let me turn that up, it's such a niche mantra to live by. Please Seb, stop rolling up the windows. Just let go of the things that bother you. You don't need friends like that in the first place. Don't worry. Really, what you SHOULD be looking for is a nice girlfriend.... Like that girl over there, in the parking lot. Why can't you ask her out?"
"Mom, WTH. I don't want to ask someone out. Please, just drive."
"No, why are you being so defensive about her? I feel there is something fishy going on. Let me ask her."
"MOM, GET BACK IN THE CAR."

"Hi, you're Candy, right? I mean, who names their kid after junk. Why didn't they just name you "Whatchamacallit", that's a candy bar. Get it??" I laugh hysterically, I have ALWAYS been the best joke maker I have known.
She looks at me, "Ma'am, do you need something from me?"
"Um, yeah. I would like to propose a deal. You could go to Sadie's with my son. He is right over there. Just change your name for the day. Maybe you could take a stage name, like Samantha or such? Then you wouldn't have to feel so product-like and he wouldn't have to be embarrassed. Look, he's right over there." I turn, there is no one. My kid is gone. "Ahh, he's a little shy. Don't move. I'll go find him and bring him over here."

I look around, start combing the streets. My kid is nowhere to be found, I have lost a son. That's okay, since I have had the opportunity to be a kind and loving adult mentor in some other kids' lives for the day, who obviously needed it more. Should you find him, he is a sweet boy, responds to the name of "SweetCheeks, Darling, HoneyPie, " etc. All the usual names for a 15-year-old boy. He doesn't need anything from you that you could give. Just call me and I'll be there..

Parenting 102

The other day, after a small dinner party at my house, an elderly lady hugged me, kissed me, and whispered in my ear: "I can be your surrogate mom." And before I could respond she was gone. I pondered what might have prompted her to say what she said. I cooked dinner. I am not a good cook, but I have an array of dishes I make for special occasions. I fed them tremendous amounts of food. I chatted amicably. I drank moderately. I had pleasant music on in the background. DH acted appropriately.  I wondered.

Then, a few days later I was in a store with my oldest as we ran into someone whom I know vaguely and who apparently reads my FB statuses. This is literally what she said to him, "Honey, do you want me to make sure to help your mom shop so you have some food in the house? Your dinners sound so... sad." As she pityingly looked over my kid. "Damn," I thought to myself, "Why did I have to bring my skinny kid?" And to my utter and complete thrill, my shy 14-year-old looked her up and down and said," WHAT are you talking about? My mom feeds us well. Do you want her to make YOU some food?" We both stood there with our mouths open, I in complete awe and she in complete shock. I waved at her and hustled along, high-fiving my new little hero.

As we were making our way home, these 2 events started really really irking me. So, I called a meeting.

"Kids, do you wish you had a different mom?"

"NO!" Came the unified answer.
"You're just scared to tell the truth.....?"
"Ummm, are you trying to get rid of us?"

"Don't you sometimes look at other families and wish you were part of them?"

"No. They would probably eat with their mouths open and smack their lips."

"OMG. Just because I say that is annoying doesn't mean it has to be annoying to you...."

"But, it is..."

"Is that all I have taught you? Good Lord.Well, there must be annoying things about ME? Tell me."

"Well, it annoys me how you kind of took over Call of Duty downstairs."

"What? I only started playing because you asked me to."

"But you never stopped."

"You're just mad because I am getting to be better than you."

"See? Stop being so competitive."

"YOU are competitive."

"Where do you think I got that from?"
"Also Mom, you have threatened punishment to people when they didn't want to play with you....."

"Well, it's annoying on my own and I am scared of the zombies..."

"Really Mom, most parents punish their kids by taking AWAY video games."

Mumbling. "I like playing zombies."

"Mom, you assign too many essays."
"What?"

The other day dad threatened Julian with a paragraph. We all laughed hysterically.... We were like, "Dad, Mom's average assignment is 4 pages."
"What? You will thank me someday for your amazing writing skills."

"Yeah, other kids get grounded and stuff."

"Good idea. Why didn't I think of that?"

"OMG, SEBASTIAN, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT."

"Mom, I know something that is annoying about you. When you tell me not to wear my footsie pajamas because then I don't keep you warm enough."

"Well, that's a fact. If you want to cuddle with me you're gonna have to keep my feet warm, Missy, that's the deal."

"Also, Mom your music is embarrassing."

"So?  It's my music."

"Yeah but you drive around town blasting it, with the windows open."

"Umm, not always. Only when I pick you up at sports. "

"Exactly. Me."

"You like that music."

"Not in front of my friends."
"It'll make you grow a backbone, I guarantee it."
"And at Disneyland, when you wouldn't let us do anything other than ride roller coasters...."
"Umm, that was an experiment I was performing on myself."
"Yeah, but we all felt kind of sick after a while."
"See???? You guys got sicker than me!"
"Stop it, Mom."
"And you know how you are always like, "I'll give you $10 if you clean the yard?"
"Yeah?? That's generous my friend, that's times 4 kids...."
"Yeah, but you have never actually given us any money."
"Well, that's parenting."
"What exactly is parenting?"
"I'm teaching you about life, just go with it."
"Remember when you locked Seb out that time?"
"Umm, that was because he dared me to."
"Well, I don't think he really meant it...."
"Well, another lesson. Be careful what you ask for."
"And you know how you're always trying to teach the cats tricks? They're cats, not dogs."
"No one needs a dog with tricks, that's too expected. We'll make millions off of them someday..."
"Yeah, but maybe we should at least teach the dogs to go potty outside."
"Good point."
"And you know how we are not allowed to eat Fast Food or drink soda?"
"Oh God, here it comes....."
"We actually like that. It shows that deep down somewhere you really care. Maybe we should lay off on the chocolate too, though? Like right now, we're eating cake for dinner..."
"Fat chance. We're not wasting this perfectly good cake."

My New Fashion Statement: The Bra over the Swim Suit

I often post about my day on FB because a lot of stupid things happen to me and it seems to amuse people when they read about it. I kind of see myself as a public service to y'all where I go ahead and invite you in to my ridiculousness and I imagine you reading it, shaking your head and saying, "Thank GOD I am not her."

So, without thinking much the other day I posted about something that I had done and the backlash took me completely by surprise. Apparently I had GONE TOO FAR.

So, I retreated into my shell for a while and pondered this, this going too far thing. What happened was real and somewhat embarrassing and after the fact I laughed a little about myself because it was OH SO TYPICAL and then I posted about it on FB. And people where like, "What the hell, Iraina, that's bullshit" or worse, "You're making that up. Who would be so stupid?" and I sat in my bathroom eating a gallon of Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream, whining to myself, "It is I, I who would be that stupid."

But then, the next step was to get mad. And I was all like, "Hey, you People. You think you are so much better than me??? Try living MY life!!" And then I imagined people awkwardly turning away, mumbling that they didn't want to try that because it sounded UNAPPEALING. And I was back to square one. I can deal with being unappealing, because truthfully I don't care. The thing that bothered me so was that people thought this was so outrageous I surely must be making it up..... So, let me explain myself:

I had an appointment with Dr. B. Now, if you are new to this blog you may not know this, but he is my imaginary (IMAGINARY) boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, he actually exists, but he DOES NOT know the character he plays in my Imaginary World (I would say Fantasy, but frankly that is too much. He is part of my PRETEND life, my "THIS IS WHO I WOULD INCLUDE IN MY BOOK LIFE".)

So, my appt was at 11 and I was planning to go swimming right after. Which is very illogical and superbly annoying, because I have to look like a 42yearold-plussizemodel-motherof4-worksathomeandthushasahardtimefindingprettyclothes-woman and then jump in a pool right after and swim laps. I dug around my closet for the dress I wore at all weddings since 2008 and everyone said I looked stunning and I don't care if I first tricked them into drinking Long Island Iced Teas ("drink this sweet tea, dear friend.. you must be so thirsty") and then convinced them to dance on the 4 x 4 dance floor with me to the Maccarena because I did that at my wedding and I will be damned if I have not made it my mission to make sure everyone goes to a wedding and dances that thing at least once) and then, as I spin them around for the 18th time ("Just 2 more times, you ARE setting a world record") and they are about to vomit and I turn them to face the other way, as I quickly throw in, "Don't you think I am wearing the best dress EVER, as in the history of human kind?", and then with a last glimpse of recognition in their eyes they are made aware of the fact that I mean business when they see my exaggeratedly raised right eyebrow and the vomit bucket which I am holding away from them and they always, without a moment's hesitation say "Absolutely. You are the best looking MODEL type person I have EVER seen", and then I am satisfied and record that in my book. I have 34 people who have testified to the awesomeness of that dress.

So, I pull it out and dash some water on it to get the worst wrinkles out and think, "PERFECT. I will wear my bathing suit under this and it will tuck in the various muffins growing on different parts of my body and I will look SVELTE". So, I put it on, threw my dress on over it and looked in the mirror. I had NO boobs. I mean literally, my lovely competition suit squeezed and tucked everything away, including the little bit of boobage that I DO have. So I contemplated and BING!- light bulb: I still had that super awesome "push up bra" that really is like a fake boob bandage type thing from that one time and if I play around with it and pull and push I could totally have my boobs back. But, it had to be OVER the suit to make me look "voluptuous". No problem, I put it on and I looked hot and stylin'. I briefly contemplated going on a job interview but I could think of nowhere to go, so I put on my strappy heels, threw flip flops in my purse and off I went.

After showing Dr B that my knee surgery was healing well- which I do about every 3 months-  I was done. He asked if he could do anything else for me and as I started giggling and falling all over the place I remembered, shook my head no, told him to have a good day and left.

I looked at my watch. The BC pool is only open from 12-1:30 for laps during the daytime, so I jumped into the car and raced back home. I had a good routine going with the swimming and I wanted to keep it. I went into the locker room, took off my dress, my heels, put on my cap and goggles and stepped outside.

I looked around. Almost all lanes were taken, but there was one between the old guy with the long beard (think Santa) and some new guy who seemed to know what he was doing and was whipping out laps. I dropped my bag, waved at the guard and back at all the other kindly people waving at me and I felt so welcomed. I had been here long enough for everyone to KNOW me, WHO I am and to GREET me, individually, even stopping mid-swim. I decided I really LOVE Boulder City and the small town where I can go swimming and everyone stops what they are doing JUST TO GREET me. I felt warm and fuzzy.

I turned to the wall where the boogie boards are kept and as I bent down the color of my suit caught my eye. It is blue, but I saw this distinctly silver flash when I had bent down to get the board. I looked again. And then I looked some more and kind of just looked at myself for a while. And I am sure I looked calm as a clam but I WAS NOT. "WHAT THE HELL, IRAINA. THAT'S YOUR BRA. YOUR LOUD FANCY GLITTERY BRA SHINING IN YOUR FACE AND BLINDING YOU. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO DO???"

Well, I was by the exit door but this exit was to the men's locker room. I quickly decided that would make things even worse. DON'T go that way. I could run to the door to the women's locker room, but that would mean admitting defeat. So, instead I calmly took my bra off, wrapped it in my towel, jumped into the pool and swam, like it was no big deal. I just made sure I was the last one in the pool. It was 1:40 when I finally got out, everyone had left and the guard kindly did not say anything.

So, I posted about this a little later on FB and everyone went, "What the hell? Who puts on a bra over their bathing suit?" and I whined to Danielle about it and she said,"They just don't know you the way I do." Which comforted me then, but makes me wonder now.

Juan or Luis, either way NOT my new Boyfriend

Good thing I'm not in the market for a new boyfriend, because if I were I would have absolutely no chance at this point. Thankfully Dr. B is holding up well, I see him often enough to remember him and infrequently enough to not get bored. Speaking of remembering, I am the worst rememberer in the world. Literally, you can tell me sth and I will forget about it the next day. That doesn't mean I don't CARE about you, it just means I FORGET.

It's kind of like when I first moved to the States and I could not tell anyone apart, just because I was not used to the way Americans looked. I'd be like, "Hey.......Fella....." It was awkward, especially since my vocabulary wasn't extensive enough to be able to even come up with the word "fella", so in fact it was more like, "Hallo sere, Person." Of course that was only if they talked to me since I was painstakingly shy and would never ever say a word unless talked to. I know, hard to believe.

So, I decided to be more proactive in my kids' daily lives, showing them by setting an example what a good, well-rounded, successful person acts like. I meant myself with that. Some kids are more, some are less thrilled. That's kind of how I got to be with my oldest a lot lately. I decided to become an ENTHUSIASTIC  sideline cheerer parent. Kind of like the ones I usually make fun of.  I mean I have always gone to all 10,000 of their games, I have just kind of sat by the sideline. Now, I have  BECOME the sideline. As a matter of fact, I even looked online at what a soccer mom should look like. I found this:


Ugh, not me.


I also found this:

THIS pretty much is me, except my hair is a bit longer and darker. JK, my kid is taller.

So, I chatted with parents. I attempted really hard to really remember that this was going on. I stared at them. I tried to remember how they spoke and what they said and how they said things and who their kids might be. I was SO on a roll. We introduced ourselves. They admired my kid, I remembered that was the socially expected thing to do, so I reciprocated, and that was that. Then I even texted myself the names of the 4 people I had talked to. Just so I would know them in the future, by merely looking down on my phone.

The very next afternoon, I saw one of the dads, and amicably chatted with him for a few minutes. All was well, and I was well on my way to new friendships with people that did not know that I am weird and were probably lining up to be my new friends.

Later that evening, at my OTHER son's football practice, my friend Jessica was talking to a man I didn't know and I went over there to be social and chatted with them. He was interesting. He was originally from Mexico and had met his wife at UCSD and then moved to BC. And he chatted about growing up where he did and his kids now and just pleasant everyday stuff. And I thought how weird it was that I was meeting my second guy from Northern Mexico in the last few days and I asked him more about his childhood and he said, "Again?" and I thought he meant Jessica had asked before I got there so I said, "Well, it's not AGAIN to me. To me it's FIRST time." And he gave me a look that I qualified as somewhat rude, like I was putting him out and he told me the story of his life. You know, normal details and such. Then I asked him if his wife was Mexican also and he said," Goodness, does she LOOK Mexican?" and I went into this long rant about how we can't be stereotyping people by their looks and how rude it is and especially when you even reverse stereotype yourself. So he said blond and blue-eyed people are hard to come by at this home and I was all like, "Dude, how was I supposed to know what she looks like??" And he looked at me like I was possibly stupid and that really bothered me, because I am smart, just not a mind reader.

So, I grumpily hung around for a bit, sometimes throwing a word here or there into the conversation, but he always acted like he knew better. When I said I was from Germany he was like, "Aha,... and carrying on..." and when I said I also had three sons he was like, "No kidding, don't tell me your oldest plays soccer..." and I was all like, "YES! He does!"  Maybe this new DAD was a mind reader.

Then, I had to leave and I courteously reached my hand out to him and asked him his name, and he shook it and possibly his head, too and told me his name was Juan. Actually, to be quite specific he said, "My name is Juan, Iraina." I was now convinced that he was some sort of a psychic, since he knew my name without me telling him.

And I left and marveled at how both the Mexican men I had recently met had the same name. Then I got to my other kids and my oldest asked me what I had been talking to Max's dad about and I told him I had not been talking to him, I had been talking to Will's dad and my kids stared at me like I was crazy. And I was really annoyed by all the staring of the evening at this point, so I told them to shut up and just because I talk to men doesn't mean I am doing anything wrong. And then Sebastian said the dad was one and the same person and it occurred to me that apparently this could possibly be true so I told him to SHUT UP, because I wanted to be alone in my humiliation, and all the kids in the back were like, "MOM, what did you do? Sebastian, what did she do??" and I told him he would have to write a 5-page punishment essay if he told them, so apparently he texted them in the back because all of a sudden they were all looking down at their phones, laughing and pointing at me.

So, I threatened them with stuff and spent the evening going over in my mind exactly what I had said and if there was any way I could fix it. Then one of my kids asked to see a picture I took of him the other day and while scrolling through the album, I came across this:

                                                         DEENA- CANDY- JUAN


So, I cursed a little bit and sat there memorizing the faces and feeling really grumpy.

My kids, good mooded because they felt I was falling apart all came to Seb's soccer game the next day and as we walked up Thorsten said, "Look, Mom- there's that dad again. Don't get confused." He smiled at me encouragingly and I felt good. So, to show them that you don't always have to wait for people to be nice to you, I decided to show them what I mean when I frequently lecture them about this. So, I walked up a little closer to where he sat with his entourage, waved and gestured wildly and yelled, "HI LUIS!! How are ya?!!?" Smiling broadly, while Thorsten stood there and hissed, "MOM! It's JUAN not LUIS!" So, I pretended to be nonplussed and continued waving and yelled, "I mean JUAN, JUAN, not LUIS!!" and I smiled broadly and the kids turned around and asked if I could drop them off at home after all. Which I did. Along with myself.

I think I am done trying to make friends for a while.