Then, a few days later I was in a store with my oldest as we ran into someone whom I know vaguely and who apparently reads my FB statuses. This is literally what she said to him, "Honey, do you want me to make sure to help your mom shop so you have some food in the house? Your dinners sound so... sad." As she pityingly looked over my kid. "Damn," I thought to myself, "Why did I have to bring my skinny kid?" And to my utter and complete thrill, my shy 14-year-old looked her up and down and said," WHAT are you talking about? My mom feeds us well. Do you want her to make YOU some food?" We both stood there with our mouths open, I in complete awe and she in complete shock. I waved at her and hustled along, high-fiving my new little hero.
As we were making our way home, these 2 events started really really irking me. So, I called a meeting.
"Kids, do you wish you had a different mom?"
"NO!" Came the unified answer.
"You're just scared to tell the truth.....?"
"Ummm, are you trying to get rid of us?"
"You're just scared to tell the truth.....?"
"Ummm, are you trying to get rid of us?"
"Don't you sometimes look at other families and wish you were part of them?"
"No. They would probably eat with their mouths open and smack their lips."
"OMG. Just because I say that is annoying doesn't mean it has to be annoying to you...."
"But, it is..."
"Is that all I have taught you? Good Lord.Well, there must be annoying things about ME? Tell me."
"Well, it annoys me how you kind of took over Call of Duty downstairs."
"What? I only started playing because you asked me to."
"But you never stopped."
"You're just mad because I am getting to be better than you."
"See? Stop being so competitive."
"YOU are competitive."
"Where do you think I got that from?"
"Also Mom, you have threatened punishment to people when they didn't want to play with you....."
"Also Mom, you have threatened punishment to people when they didn't want to play with you....."
"Well, it's annoying on my own and I am scared of the zombies..."
"Really Mom, most parents punish their kids by taking AWAY video games."
Mumbling. "I like playing zombies."
"Mom, you assign too many essays."
"What?"
"What?"
The other day dad threatened Julian with a paragraph. We all laughed hysterically.... We were like, "Dad, Mom's average assignment is 4 pages."
"What? You will thank me someday for your amazing writing skills."
"What? You will thank me someday for your amazing writing skills."
"Yeah, other kids get grounded and stuff."
"Good idea. Why didn't I think of that?"
"OMG, SEBASTIAN, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT."
"Mom, I know something that is annoying about you. When you tell me not to wear my footsie pajamas because then I don't keep you warm enough."
"Well, that's a fact. If you want to cuddle with me you're gonna have to keep my feet warm, Missy, that's the deal."
"Also, Mom your music is embarrassing."
"So? It's my music."
"Yeah but you drive around town blasting it, with the windows open."
"Umm, not always. Only when I pick you up at sports. "
"Exactly. Me."
"You like that music."
"Not in front of my friends."
"It'll make you grow a backbone, I guarantee it."
"And at Disneyland, when you wouldn't let us do anything other than ride roller coasters...."
"Umm, that was an experiment I was performing on myself."
"Yeah, but we all felt kind of sick after a while."
"See???? You guys got sicker than me!"
"Stop it, Mom."
"And you know how you are always like, "I'll give you $10 if you clean the yard?"
"Yeah?? That's generous my friend, that's times 4 kids...."
"Yeah, but you have never actually given us any money."
"Well, that's parenting."
"What exactly is parenting?"
"I'm teaching you about life, just go with it."
"Remember when you locked Seb out that time?"
"Umm, that was because he dared me to."
"Well, I don't think he really meant it...."
"Well, another lesson. Be careful what you ask for."
"And you know how you're always trying to teach the cats tricks? They're cats, not dogs."
"No one needs a dog with tricks, that's too expected. We'll make millions off of them someday..."
"Yeah, but maybe we should at least teach the dogs to go potty outside."
"Good point."
"And you know how we are not allowed to eat Fast Food or drink soda?"
"Oh God, here it comes....."
"We actually like that. It shows that deep down somewhere you really care. Maybe we should lay off on the chocolate too, though? Like right now, we're eating cake for dinner..."
"Fat chance. We're not wasting this perfectly good cake."
"It'll make you grow a backbone, I guarantee it."
"And at Disneyland, when you wouldn't let us do anything other than ride roller coasters...."
"Umm, that was an experiment I was performing on myself."
"Yeah, but we all felt kind of sick after a while."
"See???? You guys got sicker than me!"
"Stop it, Mom."
"And you know how you are always like, "I'll give you $10 if you clean the yard?"
"Yeah?? That's generous my friend, that's times 4 kids...."
"Yeah, but you have never actually given us any money."
"Well, that's parenting."
"What exactly is parenting?"
"I'm teaching you about life, just go with it."
"Remember when you locked Seb out that time?"
"Umm, that was because he dared me to."
"Well, I don't think he really meant it...."
"Well, another lesson. Be careful what you ask for."
"And you know how you're always trying to teach the cats tricks? They're cats, not dogs."
"No one needs a dog with tricks, that's too expected. We'll make millions off of them someday..."
"Yeah, but maybe we should at least teach the dogs to go potty outside."
"Good point."
"And you know how we are not allowed to eat Fast Food or drink soda?"
"Oh God, here it comes....."
"We actually like that. It shows that deep down somewhere you really care. Maybe we should lay off on the chocolate too, though? Like right now, we're eating cake for dinner..."
"Fat chance. We're not wasting this perfectly good cake."
