I've felt very encouraged about everyone's interest in my last parenting post. It shot up the ranks of most popular stories within hours. I knew people, not just our kids, were craving guidance. I feel compelled to share some more insight into parenting that may aid you along.
I am proud to announce that I have taken it a step further and have taken it upon myself to parent OTHER kids. Like the kind that show up at my house or otherwise in my life and who OBVIOUSLY want and crave my insight.
See, kids really want discipline and they really want to be told what to do, because honestly you will not just know what's right by simply being alive. Don't you remember when you were a kid or teen? Didn't you wish there was just one adult out there that would understand you and guide you appropriately?
Well, that's ME to the new generation. Lets' take, say "Fred" (all names may or may not have been changed to keep some semblance of privacy, but keep in mind that Boulder City is the town with the weirdest names bestowed upon children. Not the weird Montana or Makyla's from the big city, but more the Joe Jr. and Ronnie type names). This "Fred" is the one on Sebastian's basketball team, the one who lives in the apartments on Georgia. Now, I am sure that there is more than one 15-year-old Fred in the 20 units on Georgia, so I am really giving nothing away.
I gave him rides home after basketball practice a lot, and he always, without fail, would put on one of those wide-brimmed homey hats right after practice, in an apparent effort not to be publicly seen without one. I asked him about it.
"Bob, err Fred, what is the appeal of one of those hats? You look like you are wearing a baseball hat made for a giant? Why not wear a baseball hat if you so desperately need a hat? Are you balding under there already? I mean, it's not unheard of and being Boulder City and all I figured it could be quite likely..---"
"MOM. YOU ARE EMBARRASSING HIM AND ME AND YOURSELF."
Ahh, now I was gifted one of those situations where I could ALSO teach/guide my own son.
"SweetCheeks, Honey..... I cannot embarrass you, you do that to yourself."
"What does that even mean? You make no sense."
"It's profound, son. Let it sink in and ponder it for a while. It will come to you."
Excusing glance over to Fred, "Forgive him, he doesn't always pick up on Philosophy the way we do...." I smile.
Fred nervously glances at Seb.
Seb says, "Just drive, Mother. Just focus on the road."
Fred says, "You can let me out here, really. I can walk the rest of the way, we're almost home."
Iraina says, "Fred, we have not left the school parking lot yet."
"That's OK, I really need the exercise."
"What a good kid you are. Yes, walking is a form of exercise. It's not the best, but everyone starts somewhere." He convinces me and I let him out.
I look to my left and there I see another one of Seb's teammates, we shall call him Bill.
He waves at Seb, who hesitantly opens the window,
"Hey, could you ask your mom if I could get a ride over to the bike rack?"
I lean over Seb, " Bill, the bike rack is ON school property??"
"Yes, Ma'am, But they locked the gate here, so I have to walk around the whole school to get there..."
I sigh, roll my eyes, "Fine. Get in....Bill, I am Iraina, Seb's mom. Now, the fact that you feel you need a ride to your bike rack makes me feel like you maybe do not lead a healthy lifestyle. Do you even eat your fruits and vegetables? Do you know how much protein and vitamins and other fancy things you need? You probably eat McDonald's chicken nuggets. Did you know that's not even real food? It's chemicals. It's going to kill you. It's going to literally paralyze you. You will not have the energy to study. You will end up WORKING there because you have no other choice, without any education. See, it's a vicious cycle. THAT'S what they are really trying to do."
"Bill,...." I turn to look him in the eyes. "Seb, where is he?"
"Mom, he never got into the car. I think the 3 hour conditioning practice today just tired all of us out a bit."
"Oh well, let's just you and I drive, let's listen to some nice music..... Ahh, see here, "Let it Go"! Let me turn that up, it's such a niche mantra to live by. Please Seb, stop rolling up the windows. Just let go of the things that bother you. You don't need friends like that in the first place. Don't worry. Really, what you SHOULD be looking for is a nice girlfriend.... Like that girl over there, in the parking lot. Why can't you ask her out?"
"Mom, WTH. I don't want to ask someone out. Please, just drive."
"No, why are you being so defensive about her? I feel there is something fishy going on. Let me ask her."
"MOM, GET BACK IN THE CAR."
"Hi, you're Candy, right? I mean, who names their kid after junk. Why didn't they just name you "Whatchamacallit", that's a candy bar. Get it??" I laugh hysterically, I have ALWAYS been the best joke maker I have known.
She looks at me, "Ma'am, do you need something from me?"
"Um, yeah. I would like to propose a deal. You could go to Sadie's with my son. He is right over there. Just change your name for the day. Maybe you could take a stage name, like Samantha or such? Then you wouldn't have to feel so product-like and he wouldn't have to be embarrassed. Look, he's right over there." I turn, there is no one. My kid is gone. "Ahh, he's a little shy. Don't move. I'll go find him and bring him over here."
I look around, start combing the streets. My kid is nowhere to be found, I have lost a son. That's okay, since I have had the opportunity to be a kind and loving adult mentor in some other kids' lives for the day, who obviously needed it more. Should you find him, he is a sweet boy, responds to the name of "SweetCheeks, Darling, HoneyPie, " etc. All the usual names for a 15-year-old boy. He doesn't need anything from you that you could give. Just call me and I'll be there..
