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| Kayaking on Lake Mead |
Not the picture, it wasn't photo shopped, that is Thorsten and I kayaking on Lake Mead. HOWEVER, this is the caption I had written: "Lake Mead on a Tuesday. Not to be confused with Lake Mead on the weekend."
Frankly, I have no idea what it looks like down there on the weekend or any other day of the week for that matter....I am just PRETENDING to be an outdoorsy Lake Mead Gal. This is how that came about...
A few months ago Danielle said: "I think you should get a kayak and go kayaking with me on Lake Mead. I think you would like it."
And I was all like: "What the hell is she talking about, I am totally not that kind of a person."
And then my other I was all like: " But think of the cool new experiences you could have. You could re-invent yourself again."
And then I was all like: " I like to blow dry my hair and wear clean clothes."
And then the third I was all like: "What does that have to do with anything? Besides, when I was going through the closet and organizing everything by type of clothing and color I counted the flip flops. You have 38 pair. You are not all that fancy.
And then I was like: "OMG, why couldn't your character be a bit more pronounced in my actual reality." And then I contemplated it.
It got warmer and I've been swimming 2 miles at the pool all the time and it has gotten really boring and then Danielle convinced me that I would like the change up in exercise. So, we went to a Sporting Goods Store to buy a kayak. And when the sales guy asked if we needed assistance I was all non-chalant and said: '"Hey, what's up Dude, we are here to pick up a kayak." And then I realized I had talked to him in surfer slang and I really had no idea what kayaker slang was so I just pretended I was right. And then he got the kayak down that I was interested in and I made all the kids and Danielle sit in it and was all like: "Yeah, it's just another one to add to the pile at home." and he just kind of looked at me like I was really annoying. Danielle tried convincing me to try it out and I was all like: "I can't, I am wearing a skirt" and she was all like: "Umm, no you are not, you are wearing sweatpants". And then I whispered: "But I am wearing a skirt UNDER the pants" and she just looked at me, too, like I was really annoying.
And then I was all like "snap, snap" with my fingers and I told the guy we'd take it, and then I shushed him away so I could secretly buy the basics like paddle and tie downs without him realizing I had no idea and we owned none of it. And he had said the kayak would be waiting downstairs and it was and I had to get the car around and put the seats down and I realized that I have this humongous car and I never use it for anything other than my kids and groceries, but considering that I have 1,238 kids that is generally not such a small feat. Then I stood all nonchalantly by my car twirling my keys and the guy who brought it out was all like: "This is not going to fit in your car" and I was like: "Yeah it will, we do it all the time" and then I said a quick prayer because of course I had no clue. And it DID fit, and to tell you the truth I knew it was going to fit because Danielle had told me so.
I had quietly gotten a season pass the other day, so after packing $200 worth of groceries in the car we drove down to the lake and I am ashamed to tell you that it is 5 minutes from my house and I have lived in this house for 7 years. I pretend-familiarly waved at the ranger who waved me through and proceeded to follow Danielle down to the hidden beach. And it was totally fabulous and I was so glad that she knew what she was doing because then it was totally easy to pretend like I knew all about it, too.
Then I got into the kayak and for a second I thought I might tip it over, and I considered panicking, and as a matter of fact I am pretty sure I started screaming and then I remembered that I was at the shore with Danielle holding on to the kayak and she and all 4 kids were just staring at me. So I quietly paddled off and was all like: "See, kids I have been doing this for 39 years" and frankly I think it would be sad if anyone had a problem with this, but I secretly hoped the kids would and would be all like: "Wow, Mom, you are amazing" but none had any kind of issue.
And that of course was annoying so I challenged Danielle to a race to the buoy and back and she just kind of looked at me pitifully and we started racing and withing 10 seconds she had pulled away 30 feet so I was all like: "Umm, there is something wrong with the paddle" and she ignored me. And then I was all like: "The current is pulling me downstream" and she rolled her eyes at me. And then suddenly she went around the buoy and I was all like: "maybe I could pretend I already went around it and just start paddling back", but the kids were cheering loudly from the shore and they would not miss it. So I was all like: "Umm, Danielle you have to touch the buoy with your hands", and she paddled back and did so and I still hadn't made it to her vicinity and then I circled the damn thing 20 times before I could touch it and then she was already back at shore. So, I told the kids it had been her idea and she had cheated and then one of the kids said: "Don't worry about it , Mom. Danielle is 22 and you are 39, she is almost HALF your age." And I looked for something to throw at him but there were only rocks and that might have been misinterpreted as inappropriate.
As luck would have it, pretty soon an inappropriately clad foreign couple set up next to us and I just hung out in my noodles in the shallow water, annoyed by the girls' skimpy outfit, but I was willing to overlook that (quite literally) in favor of her just as scantily clad partner. I just kind of turned my back to our site and stared and didn't feel all that bad because they spoke a language I did not understand so maybe they did not understand what me staring at him in English meant either. It was a beautiful day, quite literally.
When we finally packed up, sunburned and tired and we had stopped for some amazingly delicious ice cream that probably just came out of the lady's cooler and I had picked up Hurley's diarrhea for Danielle in an attempt at a peace offering, I knew that from this moment on I would call myself a "Lake Mead Expert". Because why not.
