So, I've been super random this summer. It's fun and keeps everyone on their toes.
One thing we've been doing a lot is going to the pool. Not as in swim class (which we do A LOT of, too) but I am talking in the afternoons to hang out. We totally have a pool at home. But, it's NOT THE SAME. It's often dirty and there are so many bees and usually we have to skim the top of the water when we get down there, and we might as well sweep the deck, there are so many leaves and then we have to walk all the way back up the stairs to the house when we are done or thirsty or hungry or whatever.
Going to the public pool is COMPLETELY different. All we have to do for that is get our towels and sunscreen and get our suits on and pack our clothes and pack a separate bag for drinks and snacks, and then drive there and find parking and then pay three dollars each and then, just like that, we are set to swim.
Really there is nothing at the pool that is interesting at all. The big draw are the diving boards that are open in the afternoons and there are not many people at all there. Many of the kids come by themselves, some with a parent or a babysitter and they sit on the side chatting while their kids frolic in the cool water.
NOT ME. I'm already wearing my swim suit because this summer I have been in and at the pool three times a day and I hop in and I have FUN.
My favorite game is where I pretend to be a dolphin. I kick my legs like crazy and keep my arms and hands at my hips because that's what I have to do to be an authentic fishy mammal- no arms. Then I try to go extra deep in the water and happily attack my kids or Danielle, who of course has to swim too, because I make her.
And when she feels like it she screams: "Unsafe Touch!" and I have to loudly say something like: "Stop lying, you are being inappropriate" and then she taught Sebastian to say the same and that really bothers me because, well, that is kind of weird and he loves it and sometimes he starts screaming: "Stop hitting and punching me under water!" and I have told him that I will punish him severely if he doesn't stop saying that and the lifeguard just kind of looks at me and I smile sweetly while muttering threats under my breath.
We used to play Marco Polo but apparently I was being too competitive and the kids told Danielle they didn't want to play if I played anymore, so all of a sudden I noticed they would always go to the other end of the pool when I was in the water and I started feeling left out and I would start talking to the other kids in the pool and then their guardian would look at me and frown and I would have to look around for someone else to talk to and everyone would kind of scatter and I started taking it personally.
I still had fun because the other cool thing to do would be to put on my goggles and go under water and spy on people. Until I noticed that there were some constant bubbles coming from one of my kids' suit and if my memory served me right that was not a good sign. I decided I preferred to not know exactly what was going on down there.
Sometimes Danielle would have mercy on me and we would do a synchronized swimming routine which was really fun. I am extremely awesome at doing handstands in the pool and I could have done it every day all day long, except that one time I kind of crashed and apparently hit someone really hard with my legs so I was also banned away from everyone when I was doing my routines. I got really good at choreographing one-woman-shows. I KNOW that the lifeguards enjoyed the free entertainment that I was willing to provide. They ALWAYS watched me intently.
The summer went really well. Until about three weeks ago, when Danielle went on vacation. I still went to the pool and really enjoyed myself. Especially without Danielle trying to steal my spotlight. At some point I was at the edge watching my kids play and the young female lifeguard started chatting:
- How appropriate, they are playing sharks and it's Shark Week....
- Uhu. They are not letting me participate.
- Huh?
- They say I am too violent when I attack.
- Um, you kind of are.
- I am just trying to survive the dangerous sea. You know...not literally, just pretending...
- You have a vivid imagination.
- I have fun.
A few seconds pass. Then she says: ( I have literally known here for a total of three minutes)
- Are you LDS?
- Um, no.
- Oh, some of the other lifeguards and I have a bet.
- Oh, that's awkward.
- Sorry, just wondering
- Also, I have a guess as to your profession..
- Um, OK?
- Are you a professional clown?
WHAT THE HECK?
- Whatever do you mean?
- Well, you are always being extremely silly, some might say annoying with your kids and we laugh.
- Um, just trying to play.
- And then that weird drowning routine you do in the water, where you throw your legs in the air and go down...
- Umm, you mean my synchronized swimming? That's offensive....
- And you are always making other kids laugh and scream...
- Oh, I think they are crying...
- And your kids are always jumping around in the water when you are there. They seem to be having fun....
- They are trying to get away from me....
LONG PAUSE
- Oh....You aren't nearly as funny as we thought- up close and talking to you....
- Sorry to disappoint.
- You know, you don't have to swim here.
- WHAT?
- Your oldest, how old is he?
- He just turned 12.
- He is old enough that you can just drop them, leave them here and come back later to pick them up...
- But I have FUN here.
- Oh sure- that's great.
So, that was the last time I went to the pool for fun. Sure, I have been back for the lessons, and the team, and my own swimming, but not to have fun. I am slightly bitter.
The other day, as we were leaving K, THAT lifeguard, passed me by and hissed at me: "We have figure it out. You are CATHOLIC!"
What in heavens name is THAT supposed to mean?
